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God is light; In him there is no darkness at all. 1 John 1:15
They say time heals all wounds. However, time does not take the memories away and the feelings you had at one moment. Sometimes, we might block our emotions, become stale, act out or walk alone. But whatever you do, stand. Stand even in darkness, stand holding the hands of God.
Baby, I mean babies, sometimes I wonder if y'all were boys, girls or both. My curiosity takes over. I know mommy and daddy made mistakes. We are sorry. Sometimes we wish we would of waited instead of having to put y'all through this. Baby one, it was my fault. We were in such a good place and you unexpectedly came from no where. I was not ready, scared and young (no excuse). But mommy and daddy were just beginning a start of a relationship. I was enjoying his presence and his essence.
I was selfish.
I wanted a foundation of us. Just me and him. But it seemed like everyone wanted a piece of us...... his family, my friends and ........you. I wanted a foundation built on trust, love, years of experience, time and the completion of my education and the start of his. I wanted everything but you.
Why did you pick us? Why then?
I never thought of your feelings, even after seeing your heart beat for the first time. I knew you had to go. You were gone after 5 weeks.
I did not miss you.
But I neglected daddy. I was so focused on my own education and my WORK! I fell short on his needs and emotions. It killed him. I want you to know that he wanted you. I didn't. My decision broke us apart. I did not care for his emotional needs. "Where were you Bridget? You were not there for me" He would plead. I would calmly reply, "I'm working." My neglect caused infidelity. I take PARTIAL blame on his part. My baby, never did I shed a tear for you, he did all that and a pool more. I wanted to move on and get back to my daily life. You got in my way, and I got in his way. I think well, shit am I the only rational one here? Did I want a forced marriage with a newbie? I could just go to my other culture for that. Did I want a child where disappoint would be right behind us? A child that mommy and daddy are unsettled, living in two different houses? And no financial assets.
I made you pay for the mistakes we made.
And for our mistakes, you made us pay. We paid with each other. I experienced the revenge of infidelity. My first touch of being backstabbed. Everyone said it was time for us to part, and I decided it was too. There was no reason...no real reason to have another woman. I began to believe everyone was right. I knew I would leave with dignity, with pride. The stars were going to be on my side.
No more crying, no pain, no more fights. Through your death, you opened our eyes. Baby you tore us apart. And in some odd way, caused us to break open. You brought us back together. Whoever you are baby, you work in mysterious ways.
Baby #2 a picture is worth thousand words, and your picture is forever with us. You were a different kind of special. You came at a point where we had foundation and more support. Yet, we still lacked a few things. We both envisioned you to be lavished in the best. We planned on keeping you. We began to love you. It was kind of fun knowing I would be at daddy's mother's house, and no one knew the joy we were both holding inside my belly. And you baby, growing so softly in me. Making me so fat and constantly hungry. I was still indecisive but a large part of me wanted you. Daddy couldn't believe it and shed a tear too. He was so happy...
As I carried you around, I felt you, but I still couldn't say that "P" word. I was still the same me, not a pregnant woman. Unfortunate disasters happened; money was short. I broke down. I wanted you baby. I blame myself. I heard, if you wanted it, keep it. You are the mother and have rights. See some people may not understand this, but daddy and I are a team. I know as a female emotions may enhance or corrupt my rationality, but at the end of the night, reality sinks in. Daddy changing his mind at the whim of these unfortunate disasters was not easy for him. Trust me. I cried and cried and cried. Baby, your daddy was there for me through it all. My anger got the best of me. I was mean and cruel to him. Dangerously pouring acid on such a delicate situation, I pushed him away to take a breather. My outbursts and inconstancy caused him more pain.
April 22nd 2016 was when we lost you. You were gone after 10 weeks. I am now more calm and accepting of where you guys have led me to.
*Baby, you would of been born November 2016*
Whoever you are or were, we love you guys. And you will always be in my heart and ours.
Sincerely,
Daddy and Mommy
